Pickle Problems
2008-08-25, 2:25 p.m.

Hi, my name is Carrie and I need help. I have a problem. A problem with pickles. I can’t stop eating them. I eat large quantities of them. I eat them often. We all know about the huge pickles that I eat when I go to the movie theatre. What you don’t know, what I’ve always kept hidden shamefully away, is that I eat them at home every, single, day.

Recently I’ve noticed an increase in my pickle consumption. When I go to the grocery store, I always buy at least 2 or 3 jars or pickles. Last week I paid attention to how many pickles I was eating, and I went thru three entire jars. The week before that, it was 2 ½ jars. I just can’t help myself. They don’t have carbs, fat, sugar, and they are very low in calories. They are about the only freaking thing left that I can eat that I enjoy!

However, I have slightly high blood pressure. So slight that my doctor just has me taking a prescription water pill in the very smallest dosage every day and it does the trick. He also says that I need to watch my sodium though. And I LIE and tell him that I do and keep taking the diuretic. I know, in my silly little heart that if I lay off the pickles, my blood pressure would be fine.

At the grocery store on Saturday, I purchased 3 jars of Vlasic Snack’mms, my favorite kind of pickles. (They are small and crunchy, never ever bendy and icky.) I also bought a jar of (New!) Vlasic Snack’mms Kosher Dill Tabasco (Tabasco sauce in pickles! Fabulous!) and a jar of Vlasic Baby Kosher Dills because they came in a HUGE jar and while they aren’t as small as the Snack’mms, they are still smaller than normal pickles, therefore crunchier, and I’m trying to convert to those since they come in bigger jars and lugging all these jars of pickles home from the store is a chore.

As I put the new pickles away in the fridge, I saw that one entire shelf consisted of pickles. I knew that I had a problem. I immediately called both my Mother and my best friend and told them that I had a pickle problem (they both said, “Duh! No shit!) and that since things are so stressful right now and I NEED the pickles, I was going to let myself eat them for another month when possibly things will have calmed down at work, and then I would give them up. I asked them to perform a Pickle Intervention if I’m not better in a month, and they agreed that they would.

So now I’m putting it in writing. One month and the pickle gorging will be over. Here are all the pickles that I have right now. In one month, it will be less. Like one jar for pickle emergencies. Or maybe two jars but I will only eat them like a normal person. Maybe one with a hamburger or something, you know. Or as a snack, but just one pickle and not a whole jar.

The 3 jars on the very left, after the pickle relish, (Pickles and mustard! Yum! So good on everything! I even put it in my scrambled eggs this weekend and they were fabulous!) and before the spears are my favorites. The rather large jar of olives on the far right isn’t a weekly item. I only eat a few olives every day unless I am out of pickles, and then it’s ON with the olives. Also, they are a must have for ice-cold dirty martinis! (OMG. Can you imagine how good a martini made with a pickle and pickle juice instead of an olive and olive juice would be?? Must try!)

Okay, I’m sorry. I can’t do it. Why be honest enough to talk about trying to find my G-Spot, blowjob injuries, and having to turkey-baste my vagina with milk after a very unfortunate jalapeno pepper incident if I’m going to lie about my quantity of pickles?!

I LIED. Those aren’t really all my pickles. I’m a liar. A pickle-hoarding liar. Those really are all the pickles from my refrigerator. What I accidentally-on-purpose neglected to add to the photo were the two more jars of Snack’mms and one more huge jar of olives that are in my pantry. Fuck! Fine. There is also one jar of Snack’mms and one jar of zesty garlic spears in my drawer in the refrigerator at work. But I swear THAT IS ALL.

Okay, it’s all out now and I feel better. A little dizzy, but better. Whew!

Now everyone else spill it. What are you slightly obsessive about?

My list includes:

*Pickles (duh)
*Jalapeno and habanero peppers
*Tabasco sauce
*Lipstick, gloss, balm
*Cosmetics in general
*Red handbags
*Red shoes
*Books. (Although I have seriously been working on this one as I have run out of room. I will not buy one more book until my pile of To Be Read books are all read.)
*Educational books/worskeets/flashcards for Bella

Your turn!

P.S. - I am in no way receiving money or benefits from the Vlasic people who make the best pickles on earth. (But I should be! Or I should at least buy stock or something. Wait, no, I shouldn't. I'm going to stop buying pickles so their stock will surely plummet. People will lose their jobs. The whole company could go down! I'm sorry Vlasic. I have to do it.)

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