What's a girl gotta do to get some sex around here??
2008-02-29, 3:17 p.m.

First of all, what do we think of my new shirt?

It’s kind of like that other gold-ish sparkly one that I bought. I can’t decide if it’s really, really ugly or if it’s pretty. But it’s sparkly, it makes me happy, and it was 50% off, so I bought it. I’m wearing it right now with a pair of black pants, but tonight I will put on a black skirt and heels and I’m all ready for the disco! Woo-hoo! Heh. Kidding. I don’t disco. Unless there is alcohol consumption and I’m not drinking alcohol right now, so no, no disco.

Now that I’m thinking about it, the last 4 shirts I have purchased have been loud prints. I wonder what’s up with that? I’m usually all about the solid colors, lots of black, tasteful.
Whatever, I’m 38 years old, I can start wearing loud ass shirts if I want to. Hmph. I shall just continue to pair them with solid colors on the bottom so as not to appear too clownish.

Okay, enough about my shirt. Let’s talk about having sex with a toddler in the house for a moment. Or sex with your Mother living in the house, for that matter.

So Kevin and I haven’t had sex in like FOREVER (six days) because I hadn’t been feeling well and he didn’t want to get bronchitis. The last time we did have sex, Kevin initiated it and it was really lots of fun on my part. (Not that it’s not always fun, but you know, sometimes it’s more fun than others….) So yesterday I knew that Kevin would be getting home from work before I did, and the dinner plan was for my Mother to make dinner and I would do the dishes. (We are planners.) I decided that as soon as I walked in the door from work, I was going to do some lazy parenting and plop Bella in front of her beloved Shrek video, grab Kevin by the hand, and take him to the bedroom and fuck him until he couldn’t walk straight. I was really looking forward to it.

But that didn’t happen. Since Kevin had gotten home from work early, he decided to make dinner. (Not so good for my diet foods – fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans in butter, and corn bread.) He had it all ready when we walked in the door, so I had to delay my sex plan and sit down for dinner. That took forever because Bella loved his fried chicken. (He uses this weird recipe where he coats the chicken in saltine cracker crumbs and it sounds awful but it’s really good.) She ate forever! When we were finally done, I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. Now while I clean AS I cook, neither Kevin nor my Mother does that.

Let me just pause here and tell you that Kevin uses every single pot he can find when he cooks. I appreciate him cooking, so I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but it’s really funny. The last time he made breakfast, he made scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast.
The sink and counters were so full of bowls and pans that I literally laughed out loud when I saw it. Then there is his beloved Kitchen Aid. The Kitchen Aid professional mixer is the one thing that he insisted on registering for when we got married. He wanted it so badly. Now, every time he cooks, he HAS to use the kitchen aid. I understand normally because he usually makes pancakes or waffles whenever he cooks. The morning of the scrambled eggs, however, I noticed the Kitchen Aid bowl and all the attachments dirty in the sink.

I just HAD to ask him. I did it nicely, but I had to know what in the world he used it for. He used the huge metal bowl and the attachments to stir the eggs. Which actually makes more sense than the time he used it when he made steak and salad. I still haven’t figured that one out.

Wait, where was I before the rambling began? Oh! The kitchen took me forever to clean. When I finally got done, I put Bella in her pajamas and got her interested in a video. I got her a glass of water, and asked her if she needed anything else because I was going to be in the bathroom for a while? She said no, that she was fine. My Mother was in her living room area watching something and didn’t need me for anything, so I figured all was well.

So I grabbed Kevin and put his hand on my ass and walked him back to our bedroom. It took like 30 seconds of kissing him before he stopped asking, “What about the baby?”
Finally I got things started. Kevin was into it, I was having fun, things were great. Five minutes later when we were REALLY into it, I hear Bella outside the door asking me what I’m doing. “I’m going potty honey, I will be out in a minute. Go watch your movie.” Two minutes later she is outside our door stating The Pledge of Allegiance. Loudly. Three minutes after that I hear a constant stream of “Ma ma mama ma ma mmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaammmmm” and I see her little fingers wiggling underneath the door. “Bella, Mommy will be out in a minute, please go watch your movie or read a book,”

That buys me about five more minutes of sex (starting all over again after the fingers under the door, though.) before I hear The Loudest Toy In The World (the ridiculous Hannah Montana doll) slammed up against the door so the sound keeps repeating over and over and over again. “Bella, PLEASE go play with the puppies so they don’t get bored. I will be out in ten minutes.” Then she leaves. All is quiet.

We start all over AGAIN, and then the phone rings. We ignore it. Immediately the phone rings again. Maybe we should check it? It could be important since they called right back? It’s a telemarketer. Start again. Half on my brain is on the having of the sex and the other half of my brain is wondering why I haven’t heart Bella for at least five minutes. Is she okay? Did I damage her for life by asking her to go away? Kevin assures me that she is fine and rolls over so he’s on top and takes charge. Things start moving again. The phone rings again. Kevin grabs it and checks the called ID. It’s a New York area code. We don’t know anyone in New York so he throws the phone on the floor and we keep rocking on.

We finally get in a groove and then we hear my Mother in the bathroom, which shares a common wall with our bedroom. She’s opening and closing drawers and singing a song that has the words “toodle –y –do” in it. I try not to think about my Mother or the toilet flushing, focus, Carrie!

Kevin and I are both laughing at this point because the whole thing has become a comedy or errors. But we’re still trudging along! Then, and I swear I am not making this up, the doorbell rings. It is almost 8:00 at night people! Who would be ringing our doorbell?!

We stop and listen. We hear nothing. Then we both jump out of bed and throw on clothes in a finely synchronized movement and start running to the living room. (There have been all these attacks in our city lately where someone rings your doorbell and when you answer it, they shoot you and run away.) We think, “Oh my God! What if Gail opened the door and someone shot her or got Bella?” We run to the door and open it to find both my Mother and Bella on the porch, in their night gowns, and Bella is ringing the bell.”

I ask my Mother what is going on, and she says that Bella told her that she wanted to go outside and listen to the wind. (That is a first.) While they were out there “listening” Bella started pushing the doorbell.

Kevin and I decided that enough was enough, and went our separate ways. I read books to Bella while he played on the computer, and all was well with the world.

Tomorrow night is date night though! My Mother is going to babysit, I’m going to get all dressed up, and we are going out! I can’t wait! Maybe we will actually get home after the baby is asleep and I can get laid!

Happy weekend!

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